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Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
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7:53 pm - Hello,
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You belong in the land of darkness, otherwise known
as one of the worlds in which I dwell. All here
is beauty inspired by tragedy and great sorrow.
Write or go through other creative outlets to
express the anguish you may be feeling, and
never let anyone tell you that you are just
being 'weepy' or full of 'teenage angst'(if
you're a teenager.If not, then they really
should be punished for calling you one. They
probably are trying to insult your
maturity...fools.)and always remain yourself,
dark and amazing. Never change.
Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
Great, now i'm here... i don't know what to write and this damn laptops digging into my ribs as they're the only things stopping it from crashing to the ground (i'm in a strange position).
I've been meaning to write for ages though as we don't have a computer that stays put but a laptop that always seems to be in my brother's room, i don't write.
My life right now feels a bit awful, mainly becacuse of exams but then everything else is moving around and they're to fast to keep up with.
Soon schools ending and all my friends and i are spilting up. We all say we're gotting visit and see each other heaps but you know that's a lie. If i can't even get off my ass to find this damn laptop and right an entry when it's only in my brother's room, how am i going to keep in contact with all my friends? On a positive note tho - look at me now, i'm writing an entry. May have taken 4 months or so but i'm here now.
I've had a fall out with my mum and i think she's a dick, my fathers to opinionated and sometimes i wonder if he even thinks before he speaks. I reakon he say's things that he thinks would sound cool or manly. We were fighting over tv channels when i flicked it to queer eye and he goes "i'm not watching this gay shit, it's full of to many homos..." then i say "you idiot! there's nothing wrong with being gay, you know... you were the one who taught me that first!!!" Then he turns a complete 180 with "i don't think there's anything wrong with gay people, good on them, they should do what ever they want, it's theeeeeir life! You know i have many gay friends at work and we get along fine. I even have a cousin whose gay... blah blah blah!"
I hate my parents! How they do this to me all the time. They say one thing then decide on the other later, then change again.
They deliberatly locked me out of the house the other night. I had a fight with them about going to a party. They wanted to know where it was, when i was coming back, who was hosting it, who would be there (like they'd fucking know them neway!!!), how i was getting there and back then said "NO, we will take you there and back (yea... fuck off!!!)". I told them that's to much irrelavent information for them to know. Then they "banned" me from going and when it hit 10.00pm i was walking out the door with them shouting "we are your parents you must listen to us, you step out of that door young lady and you'll be stepping out of our respect too..." - i said "fine what ever, not like i respect you two".
I had 4 phone calls on my cell with my mum trying to apologise and get me back!!! IDIOTS!!!
So yea, i come back home at 1.00am and the fucking doors are locked, every curtain closed, they could so hear me shouting and banging on the windows!!! So i went and stayed at a mates house for three days.
By then i thought my life was basically hell, then boyfriend issues started!!!
I'm on a break with Niall but obviously he didn't know that (although i had friggin told him, txtd him, phoned him... about it and why and how he could get me back) he never listens... and it's driving me insane. I hate being in love. When you're in love - you don't want it, when you've fallen out - you do want it. I'm wanting him now but he hasn't fixed the problem i hate (his clingy ex!!!!) so i can't go back. I don't know what to do. Seeing as we are on a break, i've been going out with this guy called Lex (18) whose Kieran at works younger brother. Not anything official but just as close friends. Niall found out and now is snobbing me for CHEATING!!! WE'RE ON A FRIGGIN BREAK!!! I want to die! Or loose all feelings and emotions. Just not care at all.
Relationships ay, you love them, you hate them. They make you cry the most tears you've ever shed and hate strongly like never b4. They spark up every last passionate nerve in your body and can make you literally feel like you're floating on cloud 9.
I'm trapped.
I have an exam 2moro, i'm going to fail. I hate school, i hate pressure. I'm in such a lovely hating mood.
I've been away from my friends for 2 weeks, i haven't had ne1 to talk to about my problems with. Do you blame me for letting go here. I'm sorry for sounding negative. I'll be positive next time.
Steph - i love your lil ones. Tell them they're very photogenic and aunty tia loves them very much already and can't wait to see them on fri (lol, i'm gonna be one of those squeeze the living daylights out of you / grabbing your checks grandma's when i'm all old and wrinkly lol!)
Qua - i thought of txting you bak but thought it would be better to just do what you suggested, write an entry finally :)
Rory - Hi rose bud! Boi do you love your camera :P
Random thought: i can't wait to have my children. I'm going to name 1 Blossom - after earthy qua. Then i'll have Sky - after airy steph. Then Aurora - after fiery rory. Then Gypsy - after carefree charlotte. Then Monique cause mum always begs me to call one of my girls that, it's what she was going to call me. And then my baby boys - Seth, Cyprus, Raine, Paris and Raven. YAY!!! Better start soon :P
Tia*
current mood:  tired
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| Monday, July 26th, 2004
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5:37 pm - Nightmare during daytime...
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You are the snow fairy, she who is most beautiful,
but Vain, she who doesn't care much for
comfort. all you care about seems to be
yourself, but it's not true, but you do not
know how to express love so you leave it alone.
**The ultimate Fairy quiz**(anime pics!) for girls, but if you are a guy you can take it too! !**being improved more**!
brought to you by Quizilla
That does not look like a snow fairy to me, let alone a fairy! I'm not vain!!! Only with rosie and our special mirror. Funny how the last two quizzes i've done basically say i suck at love yet i'm in a very happy relationship at the moment! Dumb quizzes! Only for the pictures.
You know when there's something really awful you have to do the next day or the next spell or even in two minutes, you get the absolute fear of you not overcoming what ever it is. Like today, i hadn't even started my history project till 1.00 am today and it was due in at thrid spell. Half of me thought i was a goner seeing as this was a history project and the scariest/harshes teacher is marking it, then the other half couldn't stop laughing about how stupid i was to leave it until the last minute plus how the hell i was supposed to finish let alone start it.
It is now 5.45 pm and i got it in and arrived their in third spell. I still don't feel relieved though which is strange seeing as i should be partying right now... though i'm so buggered. I'm egsusted and aching from staying up all night sloached over my laptop somehow under covers. Tonite will be a lovely early night. And to think cathy from work wanted me to swap thurs with her and me work tonight, man... i'd be a zombie to the costumers or snap at them if they get shitty. Nup, tonight bed will be like heaven on earth (damn song from bloody rosie, word's won't get out of my mind!).
I'm sitting in my mum's dark office with only her laptop's blinding light glaring at me. It's better then full lights. Eh... can't stand light really. If i was to make this earth it would have a day but only night. So i could hide and not have to see all the ugliness in my life but at least there is some darkness. Maybe i should just become a vampire yet i don't even like the taste of my own blood. Maybe i should just go get that desease which doesn't allow you touch the sun's rays or they die. Nah, i'm not that desprate,
Last night's moon looked really weird last night. There was only half of it yet it had this stange golden glow about it. I wonder what that means. I know if you see a full moon with i giant ring around it of some sort it doesn't mean very good things are about to happpen but be careful. I love the moon any shape or form though. It's white silvery light is so beautiful and easy on the eyes unlike the sun. The moon seems like the loner in which i can relate to. I know i have friends but i've always been a loner at heart, some how rather different to the rest and always watching on the side lines, kinda like the moon. It's never invited to join the earth and it's not as important and large as the sun but it floats high around the earth cold and alone, watching and so different from the others.
I JUST WANNA GIVE IT A BIG HUG AND TELL IT THAT IT'S ALL GONNA BE ALRIGHT!!! lol... kidding, thought i do relate to it very much :)
I've just got use to the idea of my boyfriend struting around naked like he was that damn Tarzan wondering free in his own little jungle while 'me jane'... is left not knowing if i should cover my eyes, gaze only above or just not care. Well i chose not to care, if he's comfortable with it, i can learn to handle it... just don't expect me to return the call of the wild too soon aswell. The most disturbing thing though is that his mates who sometimes stay over are carefree also and get a great kick out of freaking me out and made me scream, drop the eggs i was trying to cook as i stood on the damn cat's tail and gotta claws up my leg!!! Bloody males! Get a brain!
I wonder what this week has instore for me, no dougbt the same ol' boring shight though hey, i've already lived about 5 teen years of it, so i think a week will be fine. You gotta love school, and you gotta love work... my friends will keep me sane :)
Tia*
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 16th, 2004
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4:43 pm - Cold Gray Day...
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Guys just love...how much of a loner you are and
your anti-social personality!
What Do Guys Love About You? (with pics :3)
brought to you by Quizilla
Rite... i'm a loner and guys like that..? I hate guys to the extreme yet it's kinda funny how a have a boyfriend..? These quizzes get i bet strange sometimes yet i always love the pictures i get... blue *stars twinkle in eyes*
Holidays have been work and no play. Boring, i want more holidays, more time, time needs to slow down! Although i wonder what the world would be like if we didn't have time cause you know... time doesn't really exist. We just stuck numbers to the air. It seems sad how some people think we have no life, only that we are born and slowly dying (slooooooowwwwwlllllyyy...). Life seems fast to me at the moment yet i'm not close to my death age (70-90) so really i have no idea of what time is.
Question:
What do we as humans revolve around more?
1. Money
2. Time
or
3. Ourselves
Money definitely as you would basically die without it now days unless you some sort of tribes man living far away on some random dirt hill in the mountains. Time, well everything seems to have deadlines to it now. If i don't get to work at 5 i get fired therefore no money for me. If i don't give in my assignments or get to school on time for my final exams i don't pass therefore not achieving NCEA. I wouldn't be getting any paperwork suggesting i've learnt things that allows me to get a good job because i would be missing examinations. I have to stick to time or i'll be going in search for that random tribesman and living it "upstyle" with him... in the dirt... and the rain... and the spiders... Ourselves, of corse. If i really didn't want to stick to time or money i wouldn't yet i do as i want the better things in life the cost and need time to achieve. To make me happy, not the person beside me but myself. All in all i think we revolve around ourselves the most and use money and time to better things.
I wonder if we all sat down and just thought about lives questions and their answers, if we'd all reach somewhere?
Tia*
current mood:  annoyed
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 1st, 2004
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5:37 pm - Long time, no see...
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You're A School Girl!
You may not get the best grades, but you'll always
be found sporting your sleek school uniform.
You've got school spirit, and lots of it!
Pocket PCs and Pocky can be found in your
backpack, and you love cute stuffed animals
like teddy bears and bunnies!
What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
"School girl?" "Love cute stuffed animals..?" Well at least i didn't get the "yaoi boy" as in gay guy...
I should be writing more often to get out the stress that's been building up for so long.
It's nearly the end of the term and simply i just can't wait. The four corners of my life have turned upside down, seriously messed up and it's not making me happy at all.
(he he... writing my first ever lj entry on my laptop and it's so fun, i love it so much... if it were human i'd marry it. What i materialistic thing to say, well that's me and i'm proud to be a material gurl! Amusing that i'm best friends with an environmental nazi tho..?)
Work: Boys suck!!! I should have never started a relationship with my manager/an older more experienced guy! I have to work with him. The things i get myself into relating to what i believe to be love when really they're just large infatuations. Other then that work is really cool. We have a new girl who i get along with so well (probably cause we're the same age) and it's so much easier talking to everyone else now that i'm one of the more experienced waitresses.
Family: Had a bit of a fall out with my mum cause i told her she was childish and basically a real asshole at times (in those words. One thing i like about my parents - you can swear at them). Whenever i try and talk about something serious with her she always starts laughing at me because for once i'm trying to be serious with her so i went nato on her (which she got a good laugh out of too). Ah, i could so murder her at times or strangle myself. I respect her when she talks, i don't laugh or butt in or turn the subject around, talk about money issues or just close the conversation cause it's not working in my favour! Bloody parents! My dad doesn't even do anything. "Ask your mother", he says "Ask your father", she turns me back in his direction etc... for about two hours until i get sick of their game. Like talking to two fucking walls, both as blank as the other!!! Sometimes i wish they had more structure and discipline for us. They're too crusie and laid back. I shouldn't be swearing at them, walking in drunk at 4am and not being told off but covered for by dad etc...
Oh my god... i'm asking for rules and a stricter life. I must be going crazy!
School: One word - BORING!!!! Get me out, let me loose and run free. Anywhere, for any reason... i don't care i'm so bored out of my mind. "Make it more interesting for yourself" says my parents and my dean and my teachers... "What! Get on top of a desk and start jumping crazily over the room screaming and chanting like a mentally insane person until i run out of breath, falling over a pile of chairs in hysterical laughter!" Yeah Rite, it would definitely kill the boredom but i'm sure that won't go down too well with everyone. I think they mean try making your study more interesting. Make yourself a milo and cheese on crackers, lock yourself in your room and read 16th century England notes for history. Fuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnn...... The way i see it, the only way i'm getting out of this is to live these last dry and nasty days till the end of the year, like pushing down stale bread. I hate it like a slave hates their chains but hey, at least this slave knows she's to be freed soon.
Funny how the table turns, i was scratching at the closed 6th former door to go back and not move on to my last ever year of secondary school yet now i'm clawing at the end of 7th form door to get the hell out and never look back.
Classmates at school are driving me nuts! Just because i don't want to be apart of all the "Chilton Family Fucking Spirit" cause they're all GAY!!! They get all snobby about it. Some of them are so lame to watch, council members are such bloody suck ups to the principle and other 'higher people'. Probably a good thing they made me deputy and not boss cause i'd be giving them my opinion whether they like it or not.
My friends have really divided themselves. Into the true, real, non suck ups and the fake snobby bitches. The positive friends are like qua, whose true to every word she speaks, no lies or cheating, steph whose always herself and not fake for anyone who can't handle it, rosie who blew me away with her ability to stand up for any shit she ain't gonna take, even when it comes from Ms Davison. The last one left standing up against Ms D. and the fact we 'had' to go to commissioning service even though she didn't believe in it. Then there's Charlotte, just look at her and hear her, that's who she is and that's what you're gonna get. A very true and loyal friend. I've watched these guys grow so much for the better and every day they're getting stronger even if they can't feel it, i can and that's what helps me grow too. So much thanks goes to these people, my best friends in the entire world :)
Other friends have completely changed my mind about them for good. Too busy to spend time with friends and using friendship to gain them points in the popularity game. Some are all over the place and snobby bitches with too much lip and not enough listening skills. One doesn't even have enough courage to come up to us and talk but instead sulks by herself probably moping about life or a calculus test.
I love my friends who don't give in to any of the shit Chilton or society dishes out and instead fight back hard. The ones who don't are fake to me and have become boring and blank. They don't interest me anymore, why would they. Do i want to become a slave to them and their stereotypical world, nup! Ha, who cares, i'll leave them out to dry out fully while i stick wit the creative, mentally insane, sweet and true friends i like to be around 24.7!
I'm going on a diet, a healthy diet consisting of the three main meals at the right times with only fruit in between and lots of water plus exercise. I'm gonna do home work more and i think i'm gonna re-paint my room the colour i'm had in my mind for a long time :) Time to make life less boring and take some control over it. Fun!
See what watching Oprah does to you, lol.
Tia*
current mood:  accomplished
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 6th, 2004
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4:19 pm - Sick...
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You're too tired to be bothered with smiling,but
you're too nice to be really mean when people
are annoying you.You look tired,but you at
least try to seem happy.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yay, i got my favourite female character from Magna Carta. Tired... i agree!
This week's been horrible. Not just for me but for the whole family. I'm still sick after three day's off school but went back today and was very happy to see my friends again. My poor mum is getting stressed from all corners of her life and it's not fair cause she doesn't deserve the stress. Especially when it's mother's day soon and it feels like mother's week too. Really mothers deserve months or even years dedicated to them they do so much amazing work. Keeping the home going, working, driving kids around. Really they have more then just one job but millions. Jobs they haven't even got qualifications for such as, nurse when kids are sick, taxi when kids need rides, a personal cook and cleaner for kids. A councilor and judge, sometimes even the police when it comes to breaking up the sibling scraps. Wow... mums rule.
It's kinda funny how my character seems to be a very strong, wild, free-spirit, adventurer when really, i feel like an over tired, bored to death, hasn't seen fun in years average teenage girl. Steph did a calculation today to figure out what tarot card i am in (finish later)(back now)... her egyptian deck according to my birth date. I'm the card of stregth. Not much of surprise as every other astralogical or supernatural pyschic reading points in that direction as to what my personality is. It's amazing how they are very right. Although i love the element water the most if not only, fire (my 'element') is very much alive in me. A born saggaterian i'm always needing adventure, change and always has an erge to lead people, true! Chinese astrological sign - i was born in the year of the Tiger... the Fire Tiger. A fiece, strong and magestic animal who can also look damn lazy lounging around, really just a big pussy cat who's oh so huggable (or maybe just the one's at dreamworld Oz). Scientific tests prove the same thing. So to some it all up, you rub me the wrong way i'll stick my claws into you and brand you for life but that has to be something really big for you to get that response from me. My usual and almost everyday state is the state of nuetral, bored, crazy at times laughter wise... a tiger stuck in a never ending circus performance including wor, school and teenage life. A fire that want's to escape from the lonely candle wick to the wall, the roof and rage throughout the lands. Saggaterian's are overly expressive, my brains a creative mess. Things just fly out all at once. I guess that's why i'm an artist. All my thoughts actually look better as one big mess on the art board rather then in writing.
That's was a nice self paragraph to write. I know i could have been any caard in that deck unlike me but instead i got strength that sounds a lot like me. Not because i'm some he-man or should i say she-woman of a person but my heart's stregth in caring my hope and dreams is about the only thing keeping me alive and wanting to live to see that next day. The strength to pull myself out of bed to a place that continue to bore me everyday named school. Ah.. gotta go again (back later)...
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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10:06 pm - The Coldness...
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You are Beramode.
You were revived by a former lover, but trapped
inside his body. Yes, your situation is weird.
You have no idea who you are, where you are
from. No memory whatsoever.
Not surprising you later become the goddess/god of
chaos.
What War of Genesis Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yay, i got Beramode. He looks like a girl so much though but he's a she. Well actually he's a she trapped in a male's body yet she-he doesn't know who she-he is. Man, anime characters are getting so complex these days!
It's funny how you think you have so much to say in your journal until you get there and then you have nothing much to rally say when you arrive here.
This term is probably going to be one of the most challenging terms for me this year with so much work due in. I know i'm stressed but it's like it's in my subconscious for now and will harm me physically later ie: tired, ripping hair out, pleading to various gods to send a lightning bolt down to kill me so i wont have to do these assignments etc... Oh well, least i'm at school with my friends. Last year *sob, sob... WHAAAAA!!!!*
At work my best friend is now back from figi and i get to muck around again, not like i don't anyway but now i have someone to blame my lack of concentration on. "I'm sorry but she's distracting me Niall, her fault!"
Don't you just hate it when you know you just did or you are acting like a real retard to someone and at the time it seemed the right thing to say or it just came out. Flirting is a terrible catalyst for this.
I can't help shyly flirting with that certain someone at work. I start it then he does it back, turning into a huge flirty conversation and god... if i was the person watching this little act, i'd think we were drunk or feel embarrassed for the both of us! Ahh... relationships, what a world.
Hi my name's Tia and i'm a shopper-holic. I can't stop spending and i can't stop buying. If i see something i like i wont forget about it until it's mine. I forced my mum to take away my credit card, i spent to much. At the start of the holidays i spent over 1,000 dollars on 5 coats, and that wasn't all. Just imagine me when i'm older. I'm gonna be homeless, laying half dead, rapped in my versace coat, diamond necklace and gucci watch... that would be a site.
Umm, barbecue shapes...
Tia*
current mood:  peaceful
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 19th, 2004
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1:02 pm - Pointless day...
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You are a Siren. More adventurous than all with a
voice like no other you sit on warm rocks and
sing to the moon and sea. Yet sometimes
shipwrecks find you and raving men want you.
You are a bottle of talent and power. What the
unknown is you seek to find, and a lover. You
have the moon and stars as freinds. There are a
very few of you, what a rare find. Will you
rate my quiz, I think your voice in just
beautiful?
What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
As mum puts it, today is homework day and i'm on the internet at her school doing 'homework' cause i'm such i good girl.
Really, i should be doing my holiday homework but like every other day there is absolutely no motivation in me for something as boring as reading up on 16th century england, writing a thorough description of how 'well' i used my time in ICT last term and sculpture. Sculpting things that arn't even mine, are basiclly copied and everywhere i look there are boundries. What a way to kill an artist. Painting. Well i used to like it until i found out that the only things i will be painting this year are see-saws and monkey-bars. Fuck school. It totally sucks. There isn't any real learning. Maths, science, english... what about how to raise a family or making the world a better place. Instead of plain old Religious Studies where christianity is favoured (no debate there), teach us how to find our own relgion. Where we fit. Everyone is'nt a christian. For instance my class. I sit between an atheist and a goth who sits to a wiccan. My conclusion. No wonder this worlds in the middle of war. Religion based.
I watched a doco last night on relgions and there was this one christian group who didn't believe in procreation. How they've lasted over these past 500 years... i don't know...? See, there are so many relgions and many of them or i could even say all of them contradict each other somewhere in their beliefs. Like those people who blow themselves up in buses etc, believing that what they are doing by killing other innocents along with themselves will please their god and place him/her high in his heavenly kingdom. To christians this is appalling as in their relgion, god ain't pleased when you put a hole in his earth and murder woman and children. So of corse these two will fight. But how the hell do you get around this? Finding a mediator who will say "hey, you guys with the bombs strapped around ya waists, no more killing innocents but feel free to kill yourselves and christian people, get ya noses outta everyone elses business and focus on cleaning out your own dark cupboards first!" Yeah, like they'd listen. One would bomb the mediator and his country the other... crucify him.
The world's a puzzle and none of the sides fit. Everyone wants to be different. The thing is is that no one needs to try being different. We already are. We may stick in groups or belong to one country but in the end there's only one person in your shoes who doesn't agree with that person and who hates the girl over there and has never and will never say hi to that guy waiting on the stairs who could have actually made a difference.
We're all alone at one point in the day and that time can feel the most loneliest wait in your entire life. If we're all so different then how are we supposed to come together. If all the sides don't fit and pushing them together like we are now, trying and hoping to make them fit isn't working either. What are we to do? Is god supposed to come down soon or is it he wont come down till we're really screwed. When we're really stuck and have nothing else to do but blow up the entire world and every bit of existence on it. Will god come then or is it he 'wanted' us to blow ourselves up? 'That was his big plan all along'. "See how long my ants can survive together in their little ant farm." There's deffinitely a lot of days i feel stuck in a jar filled of ants. All walking the same way and acting nice to your face, but then i forget each ant still has their own mind and can think for themselves. They can secretly hate you and even stab you from behind. Makes the world look a whole lot darker. But of corse there's the happy little bunnies and the sugar coated plums...
All the 'happiness' like love and laughter is starting to fade away now. I can't compare it to the awful things this world has now cause it's percentage doesn't even dent the other. Maybe i'm starting to loose my hope and wishes for the world cause i'm turning into an adult more and more every day. Getting closer to the big 1... 8..., moving out of home and 'starting' my own life. On my own. Scary business. I feel like i chick soon to be pushed out of the nest and i am so not ready for it.
Oh well, i'll survive and if i don't i can die and i won't know it cause i'm atheist and don't believe in a heaven or a hell or some big golden palace where the deer and the antelope play.
What a lovely post, lol...
Tia*
P.S. Why is it that being evil is much more fun then being good?
current mood: pessimistic
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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4:38 pm - Spinning...
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You have a Calm Soul! Being calm and cool is what
you do best. You collected thoughts and always
positive attitude make you very bright and
logical. When theres a problem, you know how to
approach it, and solve it. Your friends rely on
you on their problems, and your shoulder for
their crying. You are peaceful, and enjoy
nature and freedom. You rarely get angry and
hardly scream, which makes you good with kids.
You seem to be in tune with the world and if
anything goes wrong, you always bounce back.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
Man, i can't wait to have a bath tonight. As if cleansing my mind. Releasing all the stress, washing away my troubles and hopefully drowning.
Wow, what a lovely way to start off a long awaited entry...
You know it's funny when you learn something different about yourself that you didn't already know or maybe that you never really saw there. We all think we know ourselves but really, i'm quite a stranger to me. I know more thoughts and feeling of my friends then my own. Maybe because there are some thoughts and feeling that my subconscious denies and forgets. I've never really sat down and thought to myself about myself. Has anyone?
Beer tastes like watered down piss (or at least what i imagine it too). Went to my managers party a coupla nights ago. It was certainly weird being the youngest one there. Everyone else was around 23. But i blended in easily talking with a lot of people from work who i never really talked to before, got friendly with my manager which wasn't intended but i think it was the wine which made me. My crush i suppose you could say, turned up around 2.30am drunk from another party, came up to me and asked blatantly if i wanted to fuck? Luckily the good girl in me immediately said no, then Kieran took one step back, fell off the veranda, 3 meters down into an over grown rose bush. Lay there for the rest of the night the poor guy, but i wasn't feeling very heroic that night and thought the cool night air would do something for him.
I just don't think i was made for partying. 5 beers and four wines, 1 what i think was whisky (???) and i was still able to walk myself to the toilet and back. That reminds me. What is it with alcohol. It just runs straight through you?
I had this bitch of a table last night. I served them five times with coffees (they had about 15 coffees and teas all together). They then went to the desk and complained about the waitress (moi) holding them to high up, my hands were touching the rims. The manager Cath said "Tia" pointing at me, they said "no! Her..." pointing at Moana who is twice my size, is my nationality but our faces are as different as a tomato and a pineapple. Retards. Least i made $20 bucks in tips. I love acting cute for the customers. Talking to them about all the rubbish the happened in their day. Some lady asked me if the pork was just cooked then. Our pork is pre-cooked cause if it wasn't people wouldn't get their meals till hours later and a lot would be wasted going cold. I told her this and she replied "but i would like a fresh pork put in for me", i replied "mam, that will take a few hours", then she crossed her arms and "hmmff'ed" at me turning her back repeating "what do i have to do to get a decent meal around here, what DO i have to DO!!!" I wanted to say "i'm sorry mam, let me run to the back and catch you a fresh hog, as we have so many of them roaming around in our kitchen just waiting for us to hand pick them. I'll cut its throat, stuff it into our magical microwave for three minutes and serve it up to you on a pink diamond dish!" Stupid cow, at least i got my revenge when it came to coffee time...
So what was today’s lesson kids? Don't piss off your waitress cause she will get you back. Remember, she is the one dealing with your food. Evil... i know.
Tia*
current mood: amused
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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11:21 pm - Nice day...
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What's Your Outlook on Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Bloody computer. I wish it just died now and ended my misery over it! But soon (this week) my hands shall grasp the sweet metallic cover of my new G4 powerbook. Oh how i have longed for this moment and now it is right beside my door step. Ahh!!! CAN'T WAIT!!! And the best thing of all is that i'm also getting an ipod with it too. Instead of having to pay $700 something for it, only $99+GST with this powerbook deal! Apple... i love you! Yay! More toys for me to amuse myself with. I love my mum, i love her bank account.
Man, i sound evil but hey... i can't just dream about the things i want. If they don't come to me, i make them. At least it keeps me occupied until the next thrilling chase.
School, well i'm not going there. Shall we say, it's as shit as any other average students cause of the lack of amusement. It's as average as ever but better then bad.
Work is the usual. Fun, hard at times and now the managers have added more pressure. It does help though having some one there you actually want to come to work for. Even just to speak to for 10 minutes or so. Love is such a fun thing to be in and it's interesting to see how everyone plays it. Some enjoy the chase, others search for their soul mate, a few wait until it comes to them and i'm... well i'm just weird. I seem to act mean to the guys i like or distant and shy. I don't flirt but blush. I don't go up to them but instead run and hide. Thinking about this logically, i'm a moron cause if i want this guy he's not going to know (typical male) until i start showing him i'm interested. But all i'm showing is that i don't want to talk, i think you're a loser and simply... i just don't wanna be around you. Why? ah.. If i knew i wouldn't be here, i'd be in god's seat right now. Lets just say for now i'm working on it.
I spent a lovely day with Steph watching DVDs, walking beside the river and beach with the afternoon sun highlighting the waves. A very pretty scene to watch. We had a nice chat about things and basically lazed all day everywhere. We went to the movie The Missing which i actually quite liked. Maybe because although predictable it was realistic. Everything was believable to me, i think that was why i liked it. Steph's a lovely person to hang out with, when you're in any mood or anywhere. She's like a puzzle piece that changes itself to fit to your needs, not you having to fit to hers all the time which is helpful. On a day when all you need is a pair of ears and not wanting to change yourself, she very heplful to be around. If you wanna get all biological, she's like an enzyme to me, fitting all the proteins (i think... i wasn't to flash with the enzyme crap) together (i can just see you now Steph thinking... "what the.... have you been drinking tia...???). Thanks anyway, for today. It was a very nice day and your mother is a saint.
I wonder what this week will bring to me and what i'll do for it? Mum's away for the week which is usually fun since no one's ever home. It's Sarah and Steph's party in the weekend which i hope i can come to for at least a few hours or so before work. DAMMMMM!!! Art History tomorrow. Ah! That is the most boring, stupid, waste of my time class eva!!!! Although i must admit i have learnt a lot from it but it's still the most tedious hour of every bloody day i have it at the moment. The teacher means well and is extremely kind but AHHHHHH!!!!! Not even his kindness does justice for his monotonous, never ending readings of Christ’s betrayal and every last detail of the friggin passion that i don't even believe in! Yeah, the pictures are cute but remind me again why i took this subject. Was i half dead when i ticked the art history box!?
Anyway, i should stop dissing Art History and just deal with it like a good lil'girl.
Lol... it's nice being content at the moment. Not to happy, not to sad. Just in the middle. As if floating, waiting for something to come or me to bump into something. Good or bad, waiting forever... i don't care.
Tia*
current mood:  blah
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
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4:06 pm - Melody...
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Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!
What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm feeling better today which is nice but I wouldn't say a change. So far I’ve really enjoyed this year and the things it's come up with. I can't help thinking though that some thing is about to happen which will disrupt everything. Good or bad. Just a weird intuition.
Man, I can't wait to get my laptop. Then I think I’ll actually start doing some ICT computing work. You know how it is when you get something new and you want to use it every chance that you get.
I felt a bit separated at first because a lot of my friends are in other classes but all of a sudden they've popped back into my life, which is rather lovely. Fidz is such a sweety, especially when she goes all maternal on you. I like my new life at the moment compared to last year. Last year was such a horrible year for me in my entire history of existing, which to me feels like centuries.
I am so glad that I can express myself through art. My drawing ability means a lot and I love doing it so much. Just being able to sit down anywhere with some good quality paper and a sharp pencil, drawing what ever comes to mind and the end result looking better then expected. I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait to become a designer. No matter what, I know I will be one. That is the only real goal in my life. I'm not worried at all either. If I don't get into uni who cares. Have a few years floating around the world. Making some money and then I can get in when I’m 20. Only three years. Both options sounds like a lot of fun.
I don't work my ass of for things and don't think I have to. If they don't come to me I don't care. I'd much rather the surprise of something random turning up. I don't believe I should waste my time stressing about getting somewhere in life. I just take what comes and deal with it with the minimum amount of energy needed, then keep on floating to the next obstacle. Fun! I love being a drifter of life. A free spirit (one of qua's favourite words...). It's much nicer not stressing. Maybe I don't have things to stress about because I just don't choose to stress about them. There is so much I could worry about. But who cares is the motto I hold dearly to the heart. It would have to be one of my most strongest beliefs. But don't get me wrong. There are times to care and people to care about, which I am glade to care for.
Ahh... life and it's little challenges...
I've never been so mallow/happy before. It's weird in a way how these feelings just crept up on me all of a sudden. It's nice to be calm though. Very moderate, not to stressed, not too overwhelmed. A funny feeling it is.
hmm... don't you just love it when you're in love. The chase and the affection. The smiles and the conversations together, especially alone. These feelings are a bit foreign to me though. I've never had to chase anyone before as all my other relationships, well we both just agreed at the same time out of the blue or I never felt the need to chase. I want to hate having these uncontrollable emotions but the other half of me is finding some happiness out of it all and so I don't want to reck the fun. ahh... love, what a thing to be consumed by.
Tired now, hard day pushing back little kids and then getting run over by them literally. The Guy Sebastian concert at school was surprisingly nice. He seems a very sweet man with a very beautiful voice. Hey... even Mr. Bergman thought so aka Mr Tough Mountain man.
Can't wait to see what this new month has in store for me :)
Tia*
current mood: content
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 4th, 2004
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11:04 pm - What a nice rainy day...
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You are the Goddess of Water. You are a very
loving, you show your emotions out in the open.
You are full of wisdom. Also dreamy... You
would rather be sleeping then awake. But are
still very happy. You are most inspiration to
the other Four Goddesses since without water
there wouldn't be life.
Other Water Goddesses: Aphrodite, Isis, Mariamne,
Mari, Tiamat, Yemaya, Ran, Kupala
Which of the Four Elemental Goddesses are you?(With Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
I love watching anime. It's so inspiring. I don't know how they do it but you can really learn from what the characters have to say. They say the most random and wacky things sometimes but then they get serious and say the most simplest things about how to overcome fears and how to enjoy life more. Not to worry about the darkness all the time and just live life to the fullest. Not because you have too but because it's the best way to live. It really is special to me. I know... a 17 year old watching 5 year old's cartoons although they are M16 and the stories aren't meant for younger ears??? Hmmm...
I just bought Fruits Basket the series the other day and have now watched about 14 hours or so of it all (that’s what you do when you're sick). I love it so much. It made me laugh so much which i haven't done in a while, well at least not hysterically and it also touched my heart. Sadness, happiness and comfort. Beautiful story. I can't wait for Steph to come over and watch it with me again on sunday. I think she'll like it a lot too since she draws a lot of stuff like me and has a lot of interest in anime too.
Today it's been raining. The sky is grey. The world is quiet. I'm sick.
I'm so uncomfortable at the moment cause of all my sickness lately. But i've kept myself busy mixing various juices and sodas together that my grandma bought me and playing on my brother's forbidden PS2. You know... if you mix lemonade and apple juice... it tastes a bit like wine or what i imagine piss tastes like. So addictive though. Ahh... the things you do when you have all the time in the world. Not a care in the universe and thousands of fruit juices!?
Went to the doctors the other night and he said i have bronchitis which is just great on top of my reaction, hayfever, asthma and the flu i've had for two weeks now :( Thankfully i've had many phone calls, txts and people coming in to visit randomly from my friends. You guys are angels and what you do for me is so nice and really means something’s to me. To know that you're there for me when i'm ill is so special :) And Qua, thanks heaps for your calls and txts. It does feel like i haven't seen you in ages but can't wait to see you again.
I've started seeing the world a lot more positively ever since last week. I can't let myself drown in my own sorrow. That's just so selfish of me. I don't want to make my friends feel sorry for me and make them waste their energy on me trying to get me happy. I want to make them laugh and enjoy life as they deserve too, not curse it. Life is beautiful and has so much to offer. I'm glad i've finally realized that. This also goes for the people in my life that make it worse. I'm not going to waste anymore energy on them. They don't deserve it. It's like they chew up it and keep sucking the life out of me until i fall ill with sadness. Ah ah... no more. I've wasted my time trying to fix problems of friends who just don't want to be fixed or who need to fix themselves first and are hypocrites who should take their own advice. As much as they don't want to admit their own wrongs i've tried to show them but still they reject what i have to say. No more... i've tried but there's never a response, only that they increase my own depression.
For so long i concentrated on them yet they were never pleased. In their eyes i was never good enough. In their eyes they didn't want me to fix them or it would've been like another victory for me. I wasted my time and energy on them for nothing and forgot my real friends. The ones who when i was down pulled me back up again and who vowed together never to let me drown again. They are the ones who deserve my help. Who i am glad to give my time and my energy back into because they have always without even thinking twice remembered me before themselves. It's time for me to pay them back and let the ones who never helped themselves and wanted to drown go and drown...
no... that isn't what i want. Although they used me and others i know. Never truly heard me or even got to know the real me. Never heard my problems, my worries, my sorrows and my grief. I did hear their own but i truly couldn't fix their huge problems like death and parents, i did listen though. Maybe i didn't see when they were hurting but am i supposed to be psychic. I had my own problems too and other friends to look after. They disguised their problems too, as if they didn't want me to hear. So don't tell me i didn't listen cause i did. I still care about them all though, even now when they don't want me too. I can't just let go cause honestly... i never could. I think all i can do is just stand by them. Let them grow up and figure out what they need to do their way. Like i have. I'm not scared anymore. Of life, the future or even today.
All i know is that i'm happy to have met the people that shaped me into what i am now. Good and bad, they've all contributed some how.
I'm happy to be me... the truth.
Tia*
current mood: accomplished
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2004
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2:20 pm - Black hole...
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You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough."
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla
Today is a crap day but with the help of Qua i'm happy-ish. Going to lunch today with Steph, Elli and Qua was a laugh. It's nice to know that when i'm down there are always people/friends there to pick me up again (THANX GUYS!).
Today in Art history there was a picture of a devil with dog-like features and black wings. This sounds a lot like my spirit animal minowrian who's a black dog with wings and then there's also the point of it being the devil. I recently 'became' kindda Satanic. There could be a link and i think this time i choose to see it as one instead of writing it off as a big fluke.
For a long time now i've been searching for a religion. Tried being christian and it really didn't feel right. Looked at becoming a wiccan but there were a few things i didn't agree with such as your spells are only positive ones and that means no curses or harmful spells. If you can do good but not evil there is no balance, the world is 'half evil, half good' along with people and many other things. Satanism allows this so that's another reason why i agree with it. I don't feel like a witch also and i can't even explain why, it's just one of those feelings you get. Buddhism - it's very nice. A peacful and calming religion but to much mind work for me as stupid as that sounds. Meditation and sitting under trees for ages not thinking about anything. This is probably making satanists sound lazy but it's more like we meditate in a diferent way. By thinking and adding to our knowledge. Not so much clearing the mind but learning lots (i don't mean mathmatics only but human relations eyc...) to it and keeping it tidy so that we don't get an 'overload'.
Satanism is darker and i like that. Not because 'i'm a teenage reble with much angst and hate therefore i'm going to be a 'bad ass' and become a satanist'. More like i can't relate to darkness and much else that it offers. It's not nessasarilly evil but allows you to be when you want. I couldn't become a pagan as they seem very peacful, nature-y beings and earth has never been something i liked or felt comfortable in. Darkness and night, water and rain are where i feel most comfortable with and in.
Ah... tired and didn't really feeling like talking but found a nice quiz pic to put on entry so i just wrote random crap anyway. I'll write better next time.
Tia*
current mood: amused
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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3:59 pm - Take me away...
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Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)
What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm so angry. So tight and pissed off. I'm starting to hate everything and everyone unconsciously. I start random fights and watch them unfold as if it wasn't me saying the words. I'm happier around sadder people and more comfortable around the quiet.
How is it that when your body wants to do something, it just does it without your mind knowing until the last minutes before something strikes. I always saw the physical and mental me as two different facets but always thought the mental one had the upper hand.
This must be a phase, I’ve never been so ripped up before. My new motto: 'Thing's sound better negative' yet I know that's wrong. There's no such thing as ever being yourself as no one will let you and nor will you.
The worlds not confusing, I am. Ever since we began looking at things more deeply ie: science, we've forgotten the more simple things to life. One would say that if we weren't taught these things we would be denied the chance of knowledge but is it knowledge + confusing thoughts forever or leaving it simple + being more at ease with yourself and your surroundings? Too late anyway, I’ve learnt to much and unless lightening hits me and clears my memory, I have no way of discarding my past knowledge.
Well who's going to be a psychiatrist (or a mental patient)?
Tia*
current mood: drained
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 9th, 2004
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7:05 pm - Loose...
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Waaah! You're so LOVABLE! Everybody likes you,
because you're a great person to have around
and it's always happy about everything ^^.
congrats! and...can I hug you?? plz! ^///^
Yet another personality test ^-^ (nice anime pics!) NEW outcome!!
brought to you by Quizilla
Lovable my ass...
It's like there are two roads and everyone is ethier on the dark road or the light road. I on the other hand am still standing on the very line separating the two. Unable to figure out where to go and what to be with what i have. Confused and yet so mellow. I've been so calm for a while now, it's unreal. It's scary. As if I'm just waiting for something big to happen and it doesn't feel to good.
Those two seconds before you are hit by a lightening bolt, that last breath before a wave crashes on you, forcing you helplessly under. The eye of a hurricane and the peaceful serenity it holds until the disaster hits you like a thousand arrows to your chest. This is what my calmness feels like and I can't do anything about it. I don't know what it is or when it's coming or even if it is coming.
Best not to care I suppose, until something does happen. I'm a pretty quick thinker when it comes to random problems.
School’s good. Hey... even schools mellow. No homework, videos and slide shows I can go to sleep in, easy teachers, only two exams at the end of the year?
I'm destined to be forever bored in this bastard of a life!
Tia*
current mood: angry
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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3:34 pm - So busy...
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You are guided by water. You are generally calm and
peaceful, but you can be very destructive
without even realizing it.(Rate my test)
What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla
Why water? Every time? If i'm so 'watery' why don't i just turn into rain?
Man i'm so busy. On Friday - woke up at 6 then went to school, quite a busy day then straight after I had to go to work for another four hours!!!
Work was really boring. There was absolutely nothing to do and when you're just standing there it looks bad so there was me walking about the whole restaurant twenty million times!
Kieran was there which was a difference since he's never there when i am. I think him and Raine have swapped times cause it's like those two don't even know each other. There are still new people that i've never seen as people have other people on their opposite times therefore never seeing them.
Met Kieran’s girlfriend last night. What is it with the most horrible girls always getting the hot guys. Maybe i should become horrible too...lol. Nahh, i'd rather be nice/have friends then have no friends but a hot boyfriend.
School was good. The subjects i'm taking are really easy compared to last years lot. They will be time consuming but it's worth time instead of stress. My teachers are really cool too, very caring.
I'm too mellow to feel alive right now. I was attending my homework that our dean gave us and was asked to finish the sentences like "i dream of..." All i had to say to that was. I DON'T DREAM OF ANYTHING... especially when what i want doesn't exist. Didn't put the last bit or she would have just been like... "wha....????"
Same as religious studies. That sucks as we're talking about life's questions when i don't care about any of them and we can't be ourselves anyway.
My friend fidz is so the coolest. All the stuff she gives me when she comes back from HK. YOU ROCK and i owe my design fame to you (if it happens) for buying me all the anime stuff to inspire me with (other then that yaoi stuff???).
Tia*
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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6:51 pm - Tired...
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Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your life or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
How scary are the results from quizilla? They're always so correct. This one's like my life in a nut shell or at least my life summed up for me. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad because i don't think having broken wings is such a great thing?
I am very faithless. Sad but true i suppose. Waiting for that certain someone or something to come and fix that or maybe never... i guess i'll just die faithless. Joyless... how can you be joyful when you've looked at every single option there is in life and hate them all. I'm going to be a designer but i don't want to be one yet it's the closest thing job wise to being free. At least when i'm a designer i don't need to think that much as ideas just come to me.
It's quite a wake up call when you read some of these things as it say's "You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your life or in yourself", i know that i have no real happiness and although i have had relationships, i've never really found love but another friend that i happen to be able to kiss. I did think i accepted myself but taking a second look, i don't as weird as that sounds. I do wish i was someone else and somewhere else, like most of us, though out of happiness, love and acceptance i think i have more acceptance then any of them.
Days are burdens to me, i hate every one of them. There's nothing to look forward to... maybe my dying day as i hear it's the biggest journey yet and it's a huge mystery not only to me but to all. "You wonder when the hurting will end"... everyday i ask myself that question and everyday i find no answer. That's hard as i'm the type of person who asks a question and won't move on till i get an answer. When will the hurting end? Some people would say that it will end when i die, others would say once i stop 'hurting' myself, that it's me who make's me believe i'm the one who's making me feel hurt. Just start being happy, find love and accept yourself then your painful days will end. Lol... sounds very easy when you put it that way. I'm very hard to please and very stubborn when it comes to being persuaded. I like the best of everything and want the best of everything for example my 'toys'. If it doesn't look right i'm not buying it, no matter how good it works, i'm not getting it if it looks shit. What's with that? My inner me's a snob? I think it's more that i know there is better, so why settle for the others when i can have the best. Luckily i'm not into showing off... then i'd really have no friends. I think i would be very screwed then without them, just like blood they are a necessity and just like air i need them everyday, thank you to all my friends. It's you who keep me alive but don't think if you leave me i'm gonna kill myself lol... i'd just become a Golem and go find me a nice hole to live in and one of those gelatine fish to gnaw on.
"You are the one that few understand", i believe no one understands me totally. All my friends nurture shall i say, a different facet of me but never all at once. The person who can do that i doubt i'll ever know but if so i'd think then i'd feel complete or at least sane again. I hide my inner self like most do because i don't think it would survive in this world. A world full of judgement, unacceptance and danger. It's better to just play the game of life and fit in with the crowd. Safer and people then leave you alone. Kind of weird that i like being safe as i usually seek the danger although i more often seek it then watch it from a distance. Boy... i'm spilling i lot of inner thoughts of mine here... but unlike most i know i'm not afraid what you think. It's quite good seeing these things on 'paper' or just getting them out for a while.
"Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain", this is a thank you to Qua cause when i read this, you came to my mind straight away. Always feeling bad cause you can't help me. You do help me but you should realise i don't need to be helped all the time as i can help myself, honestly. There are friends you have who do need you help though. Whatever is left in me needing fixing is for someone else so you've done your job well as a friend cause you've given all i can possibly need and want. Thank you forever :)
"You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world", my mind's always in another world and stuck thinking about the few truthfully happy memories i have. If there was a god then why didn't he/she give us what we wanted? Maybe we would keep wanting and wanting but then they could just always keep giving. God's all about giving right? Or is that just what people think/made up?
I hope that one day i do find something that makes me happy, not only for a few days but every time i look at it. I hope that i find love and it to be truthful and meaningful. Being able to accept myself too for who i am is already starting now. Lastly i hope that one day everyone is happy for more then just a night or a few days, that everyone has something to love forever and that we all accept everyone and everything for what they or it is. Amen. LMAO!!!! YEAH RITE ON THE LAST WORD... sorry but my few seconds of 'niceity' as we call it sounded like a prayer. Without the ‘amen’ i still believe in what i said.
Tia*
current mood: numb
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
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3:16 pm - And i'm feeling good...
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You are Tim Burton's the Nightmare Before
Christmas! Awesome movie! You will deffinately
like this movie, if you havn't seen it yet, if
you tend to like clay-mation. This movie is
rated PG.
Which Of My Favorite Movies Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I have to be slightly fast as i'm at mum's school typing this on her new laptop since our computer at home is now officially DEAD!!! Bastard computer died on me last night, not just for a while but forever. Today i went computer shopping with mum as i need a friggin computer at home so that i can type my homework and do my computing assignments on plus livejournal. Couldn't find anything that had 'everything' on it and looked good (my computer MUST look good, just like my camera and my cellphone.) Call me vain when it comes to my objects (ROSIE - i myself AM NOT VAIN!!!).
So now, on this laptop, i went searching for computers. At first i hated Apples but this laptop is an ibook and it is sooooo cute *gives it a great big hug* It's word program looks different/better but it still has all the same things on it which is good. Apple don't just look good on the outside but awesome on the inside too.
So i've decided to look for an apple computer. First i thought we should get a flat screen computer apple but now i've searched on the internet it looks like the apple laptops are as good as the normal computers. I am in love with this one modle at the moment but don't know whether to get the 15 inch or 17 inch (want big as we are going to play DVDs on it too).
Excited!!!
I'm also excited as i soon get to see my most FAV BAND EVA SOON!!! I can't believe mum let me go on this trip (well i knew she would cause she's never unreasonable) i think i was just comparing her to what other mums would say and thought she would say no too? BUT SHE DIDN'T, i will never doubt her again! MY MUM ROX!!! I can't wait to go on holiday. Picton, Nelson, Hamner Springs, Kaikora (WHALE WATCHING AND SWIMMING WITH!!!), Christchirch then plane trip *on my own ;_;* to Auckland to meet up with Jen and her family. BIG DAY OUT/ MUSE!!!!! (My fav band). Then touring around north island visiting glow worm caves and bladdy bladdy bla! So happy!!!!
Works great at the mo, i managed the entire half of Cobb last night and am so proud as i had nothing bad happening like typing in the orders, well actually finding and selecting the orders?
Went to digi-cam course with charlotte, it was so FUNNY! It was us and four really old people! At first we were like OH SHIT!!! NO NOT OLD PEOPLE!!!!! The teacher was a professional photographer and had so many amazing cameras. He was like mum's age and had one, may i repeat ONE lens that was four times the price of my CAMERA!! Nutz!
We did have boring times like when i had to do algebra to figure out the diameters and the radius of lens and crap but one of the old men was from america and is a retired nuclear physicist/worked with NASA for a number of years. BOY did he know his maths and science, i told him CAN I HAVE YOUR BRAIN!!? He said i can have it when he dies lol... like four years from now. The other man there who came from Canada to live here as New Zealand is sooo beautiful (so he thought, and it is true), was and still is a surgeon and trained plastic surgeon. BOY did he know his maths and science too. Another lovely old man, Mic, who me and charlotte have now adopted as our new grandpa, loves to tramp a lot and get out into the bush. He is a volinteer at the bush reserve we went to take photos at. He knew sooo much about ecology and alrounder Biology, bet Ms Anscombe would have loved to have met him or maybe that was her huusband??? The old lady there was sweet too, gave me cookies.
At the end of it all we had a slide show on a huge wall of the teacher chris's studio (you know those projecter things) and is was actually interesting. Lastly it was my turn to show mine and i was so embarrased/happy at all the complements they gave me. Chris the teacher even asked me if he could keep some of my photos to put on the next brochure he was going to get designed, marketing his business. Now if a professional photographer asks you for a photo that he can use along side his photos, that has to mean something good unless he puts "this is how we don't take photos" beside it, lol! Me and charlie then left but not before the people asked for my last name, so that they could say they went to photography classes with me when i become 'famous'. I resisted saying that i think they would all be dead before they see that day, if there is one?
Tia*
current mood: amused
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| Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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10:25 pm - Ba-hum-bug...
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Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.
"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."
The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.
As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thought i should go find that rose quiz result i got one boring day during history. Brings back memories, the quizzes me plus friends were playing with that day and past relationships.
I could so leave this house right now. My mother is all pissed at me cuz i didn't write back a thank you to all the relatives who sent me birthday gifts yet i know they're giving me gifts for chrissy so why make two 'thank you' sets. I know it sounds selfish but i have no time to be making random cards let alone two sets of random cards to about 13 families. I personalise cards to make them special and i'd rather give one nice one then two bought cards.
Why the fuck am i explaining myself to my livejournal, it should be my mother who i should be saying this crap too???
I'm going to draw some things soon. I haven't drawn in ages. I miss it. It's my freedom and where i can let go. I'm so focused on the end of my pencil that i forget all that revolves around the outer me. Better then meditation.
Oh god i want to die rather then work at the god forsaking place i've chosen or should i say my bloody mother did. In my contract which is the size of the lotr's trilogy, i'm not aloud to speak of it in 'vain' if you could put it that way? Well... all i can say to that is 'get fucked'... you really suck!!!! Ahh... bitter sweet anger. The core of my being, the reason for existing...lol, no not really. As then i wouldn't be here writing in my lil' ol' journey-worney but creating mass destruction! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! *DIE*
^-^' Okay... that's enough sugar for me. Lol... if some random person happened to come upon this lj i'm sure they would think it's author was a psychotic maniac who is writing her entries from a dark corner inside an empty-padded cell.
Going back to the job subject. It wasn't that bad but it was all just to much to take in and the people there are so... AHHH! The guys stare at you (or i should say, stare at anything that looks remotely like it has breasts!!), the girls are snobby bitches who think they're all that (yeah bloody right!) and the managers think you should know it all first day! I have blisters from handling the plates that wait for too long above fire, have burns from making bloody coffees with scolding water and my legs have morphed into motionless poles as a result of standing with no sitting may i repeat NO SITTING for 5 hrs straight. Not just walking around acting like every customer that walked through the door was my long lost all mighty and powerful god but wipe baby sick from floors, learning a balancing act with smouldering hot plates and playing sweet lil innocent 'new' girl with the rest of the crew. When the manager said it was time to leave i nearly kissed him... dammit, i should have then he would have fired me, set me free from the madness of family restaurants!
Okay maybe it was bad... >_< But then there's Raine. Ahh... Raine. Just looking at him calmed me down, just being by his side whilst having to act like an overly polite dickhead towards customers made me smile... eww... it's sounds as if i'm in love. HA! Yeah right... No but he really made the difference. I got stuck with this bitch who had to teach me the 'ropes' of the restaurant but as she was just SOOOO busy (i bet just chatting up male customers and revealing an extra 2 inches of skin every hour to the rest of the male staff is 'SUCH' a hard job!). There i was doing all her shit jobs when Raine came to the rescue (oh god, there i go again...). He said he would take over now and offered to teach me. I was kinda shocked, no... extremely shocked, nervous, half not wanting to as i was afraid of looking like a dorky new girl in front of him yet once all the other waitresses saw him (18 of them) and swarmed around him got me laughing and made me forget the shock. The way they act around him is NUTZ! All of a sudden buttons that were done up, were now undone. All the silly giggling and smiling and flirting and touching and OH MY GOD, it all started so quick! I just wanted to yell how pathetic they all were but seeing their faces when the manager allowed Raine to take me 'under his wing' for the time being, that was all i needed as a payback for the shit they gave. I'd say i am one very hated yet lucky girl.
After all of the girls crap, work really began. Raine is so cute, no that's not the word? Nor is handsome... that sounds like a prince but he's more then that. Lol.. oh god.. i'm blushing... and giggling... and it's fun but must stop. *damm smirk, go away!* Oh it was so much fun being with him, funny watching the teenage girls (and scary older woman although don't blame them) watch him and stare... just STARE... in utter awe. Hehehe... and then they would give me the evils of envy which i kindly smiled back to as if saying "yes... i know, i'm one lucky bitch".
He showed me firstly what to say when taking orders (so much shit to remember) and then i got a turn. Lol... the first table just had to be a family table of three generations of woman and young woman. I found myself repeating everything twice as they all kept smiling and making eye contact with Raine. I kindly said afterwards "That went well, part from the fact that you are a major distraction for all females everywhere"(and males TOO LOL! but didn't say that... yet). He just smirked (god damm it, that smirk/his smiles could melt even the hardest human heart). I even find myself starring into his steel blue eyes for to long and he's just left standing there waving a hand past my face like i'm in a dream, a sweet dream of him lol... AHH!!
I don't know why i do this with every guy i know and get to know but i always act as if a hate them or have absolutely no interest in them. It's kind of good if you think about it as sifting out all the softies and the cry babies but then it either leaves me with the egotistical morons who only have one thing on their mind, we all know what that is... or nothing. It's nice though, with Raine. He's the one who has this force field around him letting no one in ie: obsessed waitresses but now it looks like i have an even bigger shell then he does. I suppose that's why he lets me around him, maybe he thinks that because i'm hard to get to know like him i would understand him more? Ah... who knows. All i know is that the best thing about that night was when he stood so close that you could feel the heat between the two of you build *.*' LMAO Man i should start writing romance novels.
Wow. What a bundle of joy i am today :) Well at least there is something to look forward too holiday wise. Holiday down south. Mum's just informed me that she has booked us to go see the whales in Kaikora (sp?). That will be wonderful to 'meet' them. Oh.. and we're going swimming with dolphins... YAY! Hamner springs will be fun with all the thermal pools and Christchurch will be interesting for the first time. Been to nelson and have to say at the moment, it is my most hated place in New Zealand or was that the most scariest at night? Hope that opinion changes in January.
Well merry Christmas. I really wish i was like qua and had a small or should i say tiny family (compared to mine) cause i really don't want to see them tomorrow. Anyone out there who's an orphan wanna swap!!?
Tia*
current mood: aggravated
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| Saturday, December 13th, 2003
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3:41 pm - HA... ha... ha......?
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Blue: You are a protector. You have unimagineable
inner stength, its no wonder people come to you
for help! You possess clairty of the thoughts,
and are capable of keeping your cool even in
the toughest situations. Though you think with
your mind rather then your heart, that doesnt
stop you from being as imaginative and calm is
as you are. You make things right, and rid the
world of wrongs. You believe in truth and
justice, yet you rarely put your trust into
others. You are the only person you rely on. A
typical super-hero!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!What colour is your spirit?(with great pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
And that was a random subject heading but it was the first thing that came to mind?
Wow... i'm feeling more alive today. Maybe because i had to get up this morning at 7.00 because of my darling mother dear and then fell face first back into Mr pillow where i then laid for another hour, half awake so that i wouldn't miss my job interview at Cob 'n' Co! ::Sleeping half awake is so weird, you think like normal but at the same time you're still dreaming. Kinda like meditation?::
Man was that a laugh... i wasn't prepared for the questions thrown at me by this man but lied my butt off so that i sounded like i cared about Cob 'n' Co and loved going to Cob 'n' Co. That my one life's purpose was to make people happy and share the joyful Cob 'n' Co Christmas spirit around to everyone. I even said i liked all types of people and only wished i could make more of them happier, i would do anything for a smile... YEAH BLOODY RIGHT!
I mean, sure, i can walk around acting all nice, polite, smiley and innocent for more then five hours (whilst swearing in my head back at them) but if they really knew what i was thinking, if they were employing the inner or should we say darker me... i don't believe i would be expecting a phone call telling me i got the job too soon.
At the interview i kept thinking about all the things Mrs Lang. taught us in communications which actually helped. Surprisingly i wasn't scared at all, not even nervous or was that just me thinking i wasn't? Funny how your body does that, it's scared but your mind blocks it out like today my knees were shaking probably because of nerves but i didn't realy 'feeeeeel' i was scared?
Ohwell hope i get the job yet i'm scared of the staff... they give you evil stares and they include snobby girls my age from Scared Heart who definitely aren't scared of piling on the mascara? Yet... i shouldn't judge them before i meet them n_n
I'm looking like a zebra at the moment as i keep switching top styles everyday which causes the sun to tan stripes on me. My back looks like a jigsaw puzzle!? I can even see different shades of tan down my torso, white... light olive... olive... light tan... tan... dark as tan... burn and pealing... yum!
Man... i've bought so many new CDs. I love music so much... i love rock so much... i love emo music so much... NEVER STOP SINGING WORLD!!! I love Three days grace at the moment and my POD CD, but most of all i love the band MUSE at the moment. Their songs are so cool and the singer/pianist/guitarist/everything else he can do sounds like a real nice guy too. Seems very deep and rejects drugs and violence (well at least the hardcore drugs...) and his family sound nutz to have been bought up with. One day he walked down stairs to find his family sitting around a Ouija Board contacting his deceased great aunt Agatha?? Imagine finding your own family doing that downstairs. I'd be like "WHAT THE ....!!! Yet it would be kinda cool though!
It's nice reading about some of the bands who really love and treasure music and what they're doing. Sing because it makes them happy and to let out their emotions in their songs. Those then carry on to us, the audience, who can relate to their feelings/stories told through the music and release our own sadness and pain. It's beautiful really... *wipes tear away from eye*
Anyway, enough crap from me... well at least until tomorrow. Hope all of my precious friends are okay and well, alive and kicking (Rosie - i don’t mean that literally).
Tia*
current mood: happy
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| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
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4:14 pm - Better Days...
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Your eyes should be gray.. the same color you see
the world. You have faced many sorrows and
losses, but yet its starting to get to you.
You're depressed and lonely, so maybe it might
be time to go and find someone to talk to.
What Color Eyes Should You Have? ( With Anime Pictures ^-^ )
brought to you by Quizilla
True... i don't know how to view life at the moment and can't find a purpose for living yet but i'm okay.
I'm really calm now. Slightly Numb. Unaware of pain and all angered out from yesterday. Cold and frozen inside. I feel as if my soul lies dormant inside my heart, sleeping soundlessly until it's time to rise.
I'm looking forward to next year, to achieve things i know i can reach. Improve what I do and myself. It doesn't matter whatever anyone else thinks what's right for me but how i feel in the end.
My camera is so fun to play with, i can't believe it can even e-mail? Technology these days, it’s truly amazing. Makes you think about how far it's come and how far it will go. Is its fast development a good or bad thing?
I feel really old now being 17 but when asking my grandmother about age. 73 sounded much more older. That's too long, i'd hate to live for that amount of years, slowly watching your body waste away. Catching diseases and illness. Watching best friends and family members die before you. Unable to run when you want to run as you mind can't control your body anymore. What are the good things? Memories, children, grandchildren, pets... the good and the bad don't quite match up...
Ohwell, i don't think i'll worry about becoming 80 until i become 18 first. Scary, i'm nearly an 'adult' and already 'so' mature.
Tia*
current mood: amused
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